Living in Fear

 Wake up.
  My heart is pounding through my chest . 
  If only Snoop Dogg could see me know. I’d have been perfect for the music video  ‘Sweat.’
  Clammy as fuck, twitching from left to right and looking up "pugs of Instagram" for some support.
   Thnx guys, your squished up faces and breathing problems make my life easier. 

 Convinced I'm still dying but listen to my friend Paul McKenna on Cd who tells me " I'm a         magnificent being".


 How many fucking times do I have to be reminded that I’m magnificent? 
 Get told it enough times! (Lol).
 The palpations knock on my door again so I decide to put my relationship with Paul on standstill.
 I skype my grandma in America. 
 Her voice sounds like warm pie and ice cream :)

I flirt with the idea of going for a walk. 

 Still milling this over and have a glass of red wine for some 'Dutch courage’.
  Also I am in Paris so only feels right to get accustomed to some traditional shit. 

takin some deep breths n dat x

I go to sit by the canal. 
 I don't want to climb up the stairs to get to the other side as my good old heart was already twerking against my chest. Why pop molly when I feel it for free ?
 An Australian man tells me that I look pure which sends the nerves rat tat tatting on my door again so I turn away from him and eat a brioche. #cheatday

Mom calls informing me that I have a doctors appointment in a hour which I pretty much forced her to book. 
 Most expensive doctor in Paris but need to be in good hands when Im told I'm on death row.
 Close tabs of 'cardiovascular disease' and step outside.

Go to a lingerie shop to help me feel like a woman or whatever and still feel shaky.
 Sit in the changing room in this Lacey machine and have now developed a rash from stress. Cheers. Guess maybe Rosie Huntington and I don’t look as similar as I had thought. ;) 

 Notorious ‘Dr. Google' (she apparently googles her prescription) sees me.

some lite reading !!!!! 

I get told I could have a heart problem.
Thoughts of my fans writing farewell posts on fb and dogs crying into their Pedigree hit me hard.
After doing some tests it’s established that I’m ‘probably’ fine. 

On metro and even the sound of Rihanna's '4 5 seconds' can't stop the panic that seems to follow me like all of my Facebook friends and Instagram followers. 
Heart racing, Palms sweating, clasping my phone as I'm tempted to call 911.
 I switch the music to a meditation playlist and chill out. Write a note on my phone that I should  start smoking weed. Write another one saying "comme de fuck down". Still got banter anna ;) 

Going out for dinner. 
Feeling almost 100 PC, grinning at the waitresses (maybe a bit too much) and at the disruptive baby to my right who's birthday it is. 
I was all smiles and waves but then his amount of attention got on my nerves . Was Actually tempted to blow out his candles for him - this was my moment, not urs little one, or should I say " petit garcon"! hehe.

1;00 pm 
At Gare Du Nord after a teary departure from my Mom. Music is key here, so in the cab I chose to listen to “Knock You Down" by Kanye West ft Keri Hilson.

Feel anxious and can't help but fart which makes me feel gross an ashamed but I plug in drake and feel like a boss ass bitch again !
 Spot a dude in the queue for soft drinks who seemed on edge , nervous , anxious and also fearful . I gave him this little nod, as if to say "I see you ". 

Drunk on Eurostar watching my neighbours laptop . 
He was watching ratatouille which melted my heart but also made me hungry.

Any way, life's a risk . You only live once . Have it !!!! Xxx


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