Birthday Rash


It has been a shit week NGL. I was feeling fruity n fresh, and wanted to crank this up by buying some new shit at Lush. The chick in there was being too attentive, if that's even a thing, again probably because she thought I was a dyke (standard). Whatever so I bought some peppermint face mask and toner, feeling like Pitbull in this place. I lit some candles the next day and put the mask on, anticipating to look like myself 5 years ago. Hehe. Next day I'm at Nina's house and I looked flushed. I assumed this was just me getting flustered. I declined the offer to go out, instead to cry on the bus home for looking so ugly. When I got  home, this redness was still there. Bottom line, I now have some vile rash on my face. The doctor was all 'that's weird', so as a result I'm poppin pills like Miley and creaming my face. Love my lyf.

I thought I'd write about my birthday which was like 2 weeks ago.

We started off going go karting. I was adamant we should go, because I love doing shit like this. After going with nine year olds in France I thought I was Louis Hamilton or something.

We got there and there's a sign like 'risk of death'. Sick. I started having a panic attack in disabled toilets. We were  the only gurlz up in this place, biG uP. After getting suited up we were 'briefed' aka shown some WW1 propaganda style video. Awks. This joker called out all the groups name:

"Johnson's, you here?"

"Here", some tween boys replied.


"Wheeeyyyy" some Made in Chelsea extra, Bastille listening idiots replied sitting behind us.

"And you lot over dere (us)... Yeah"

I thought I'd cause a stir over this casual sexism with a 'boooooo!!!'. Hehehe.

So they tell us if you are reckless on the karts you get a black flag FYI.

 We start racing, and I can't breath, I keep cranking my accelerator up too high, and then I see Nina in front of me who is going at some snailz pace. To calm be down I keep singing 'Gas Pedal' to myself. I see a flash of a black flag and she disappears. Fuk. We have a break and Nina says she was removed because of 'reckless driving'. Hahahah. Fast n furious. After two more rounds, and in Nina's case, two more black flags and a huge black bruise, we left, feeling battered but adwenaline fuelled!!!

Then we roll over to Planet Hollywood (lol) for some good old American fun. It's some mosh pit with Spanish tourists singing their hearts out to Taio Cruz. Christ. The food was decent. I didn't know where to go out, just knew I wanted to get out of Central London. Like normal people, we put options on our napkins and put them in a wine glass. I had written the standard bullshit: Fire, Lightbox, Brixton, Bussey.. I had chosen Fire. Turns out I'd forgotten my ID. Yep. The bouncers, despite the none existent queue, won't let us in.

I stormed off, wiping dem tearz away, picturing me at home eating ice cream listening to Taylor Swift. Ella suggests Bussey (surprise surprise) and I thought yolo. Btw, I was going for drug dealer chic that night. I was wearing some baggy white top with 'Bloomies' written on it, black hot pants with tights, heels and some huge fur coat which was floor length. I felt uncomfortable. We spend the bday countdown in a Wetherspoons in Peckham. What more cud a gurl want?!

Outside Bussey, Ella bumped into her friends.

One guy said he was doing carpentry. Then I hear "wot like Jesus mate?!" From Nina. #socialbutterflies. Then he said to his friend "yeah we're going Ham!!', which Neenz replied again to with "heheh yeah man ham n cheese!!,'. He looked so smug "ah mate she doesn't know what going ham means!,"

"I do mate. Go ham with your mum."

Without speaking another word, we go to Bussey, which was classic fun. People remarked that my dancing was disturbing which was a nice boost, and I bullied some kid from Oxford who looked like Gok Wan.

If it's ur bday u get high if u want 2..... X


Popular Posts