25 November 2013

Ridin Da Wave(y)

Waved is a sik word. It means 'I'm so lean I can feel da waves crash against da shore?' Right? 

This whole weed culture thing really pisses me off. If you smoke, keep it at least mildly discrete.

 Instagrams filled with a dog patch filtered gram of 'lethal kush' with hashtags like #og #kush #dank #wavey #wave #tsunami #hellaxhilled' make me sick.

You're not Snoop Dog, you ain't Bob Marley, leave it alone. The whole thing becomes a culture. Most of these shits have friends I,e people they can get stoned and watch GTA with, they have probably taken a gap year to 'find demselves or help da poor kids'. In other words they will spend another year buying Huf socks living with their parents. Fair play to them, but just don't publicize it. 'Ja feel?' Lol. 

Gettin groovy baby

I'm not trying to say weed is bad it's just some people are so lame. Not 2 mention cliche. The girls are even worse. They rock up to these squat raves in neon leggings, a weird bra thing and will take pictures groping some old black guy or lying on the pavement. Wwwaveeey!!!!!!!!! 

 Once I went to this girls house who dressed like this when I was quite drunk (rebel) with a group of the type I've just described. I was expecting this house to be a dump, as she dressed like a tramp. My friend and I get there and it's some fucking gated mansion, right.... She put on some shit dnb and started dancing in her boob tube making some same lame ass gunshot movement. We sit in the corner eating chicken because why nowt. Classic everyone is Rollin up da weed and I'm wishing I never came. All of a sudden this coked out looking chick tries to make small talk with us. 

 'Omg like I went to this festival in the summer, was so live man,'

 'Cool, what was the lineup'
She looked at me with disgust.

'There wasn't a lineup. There were just loads of organic people making clay pots and stuff.'

 Fucking hell. What had I walked into? We went to the toilet so I could let out my concealed laughter. This chick comes into the toilet (lezza lol) and said 'has it hit you guys yet", ,assuming we'd bloody dropped acid or something.

I knew at this point it was time to leave to exit this t0tally fuked up parti.

 Stay in school y'all,

14 November 2013

R8 da D8

A while ago I went on a date with this guy who went to Goldsmiths. I thought the whole 'older guy' vibe was exciting but I was only to find out that older guys generally are boring. Sorry y'all.

So my friend and I met this dude and his friend at a pub in Hammersmith. He bought us a drink but I thought it might be spiked so I didn't drink it. Thinking about it now I must've looked like a Cub Scout who baits out underage people at bars. Lol. So I think this was my first date (kinda a big deal), and I was really nervous. As girls do I was all 'what do we talk about, da football?' 'If u were a guy wud u fink I was hot???!'

To start the ball rolling I asked the casual question of 'so..what are your passions?' He looked confused and said 'That's a weird question. I don't know..what are yours?'. Sounding cool n nonchalant I said 'BOWLiNG!!!!!'. I don't know what was running through my head, but at the time it sounded cool. I still now have to remind myself that I am not in The Big Lebowski, even if I was practically a loyalty customer at Park Royal's Super Bowl. Anyway, the guy seem intrigued and questioned me about this fiery 'passion'. I was so nervous. I looked to my friend opposite for a life line but she was deep in convo with this guy's friend about scuba diving with sharks. Interesting. I knew I had to fess up and tell this guy it was a jk! Hehehe.

 'Yeah I'm a professional bowler here. My grandma in America has a world renowned team so when I visit her she gets papped. Sometimes she calls them on herself for banter.' So maybe I didn't tell him it was a joke but my mind was telling me 'y0lo'. This idiot seemed to actually be buying this bullshit story, so asked me to show my technique with an ice cube. I bowled the ice cube smugly and it landed on his friend's face. I said I was just being modest because envy is inevitable around celebrities like me (shout out 2 my boi Bieber).

He seemed high as he was looking around the room really weirdly. Maybe he was trying to look like a 'day dreama'. Looking back now he was probably wanting to shoot himself. It was getting super late, almost 11 pm (fukkkk) when my friend calledme asking where I am. I crawl out of the pub, feeling lyk Cinderella! Apart from I wasn't wearing a glass slippa lol!! Next thing I knew he was in his car outside.

'Like A G6' was blaring out of the car. I started to duck down to not be seen as he started mouthing 'poppIn bottlez in the ice in the ice.' Jesus Christ. Really? I asked for some 'grime' so we would look sik driving past Acton. 'Obviously, hopefully you've heard of this grime artist.'
I ask to TurN da muSic up, expecting it to be some bada$$ shit (trill trill swag lol).

I heard the song play and start to cry. 'You knw what it is, Black n Yellow, Black N Yellow.' I felt like I was driving back from Capital VIP or a I'm -w@ved -off-Fanta year 7 school disco. I wasn't, though. This was just the beginning of the cool events that were about to unfold in my fl0ur3scent @dolesc3nt!!! Har har.

Annz dawgy

10 November 2013

Name your poyson

Social etiquette is a funny thing nowadays. 'Get that for me' , 'hold this' are things I am commanded to do by people as if I'm a fuggin ass hole servant. Of course I don't want to sound like a parent 'Whuts tha magic werd don't think I herd it!??', begging for a simple 'please'. I kinda give a wounded look (classic), shrug by shoulders and sigh. Then I give them what they wanted.

Chivalry fits under this category. Let's get this clear : men buy women drinks. If you don't have money, get a job. Better yet, get out the pub. 'Dat rule is lame cos like men and women are equal'- this pointless argument can be thrown around as many times as it wants, but nothing will change.
      Once I was at a pub with a guy who looked like a mix between a dyke and a blue peter presenter. Sweet combo right? He had long eyelashes which made me think of a camel. I had to refrain from making a poor joke like 'do dem lashes protect u from the sand dunes?' Or 'da black eyed peas song 'my humps' must've been written bout u!!!' Moving on, we went into the pub and I clearly expected a drink. Instead he says 'you don't expect me to buy you a drink do you?' At that point I got the lemon I packed in my rucksack and ordered myself a tequila shot. It was 4:30pm.

On holiday when I was in France with my palz we were at this club full of the most eligible bachelors around, I.e they were mentally ill, toothless or underage. $$$
We're sitting outside, trying to get the sound of Pitbull out our heads for two minutes when a complete hunk of meat comes along with his 'crew'. Were they a modern T-bird crew from Grease? 100% percent. The leader had no front teeth and was in Ed hardy, the joker to his left was holding a bottle of Evian with what looked like piss in it, and the other one was bald with sweat patches. It was exactly how I pictured love at first sight to look like. He opened his mouth and said to me 'you look..how you say..

I went inside and suddenly PitBull didn't seem so bad any more.

Remember ur manners y'all,